Wednesday, August 11, 2010

Stuff from hubby's corner

I haven't blogged about hubby much, so far, only cos I've kind of tip-toed around him for so long I'm not used to talking about him and his diagnosis'.
Very garbled family history, depends who you talk to and how much faith you put into the 'facts' you get told.
And the same people change their story over the years, so who friggin' knows?!
We eventually applied for his records through Freedom of Information.
We knew he'd been put into boys' homes and made a ward of the state but that was all.
With his Neurofibromatosis, ADHD, audio processing issues, dyslexia, Autism, etc, the bloke had memory issues, memories he couldn't figure out and, quite frankly, memories he'd very happily forget.
Waiting for the records took forever - far longer than (the then) advised 45 days (is it longer now?) with phone calls close to the end of the waiting period from people advising us to get in touch with a counsellor if we didn't have one already.
We figured there were some pretty unsavoury things that happened but to read it in black and white, written by people a thousand light years earlier who did all that they could to change things, was a kick to the guts.
Hubby has happy, loving memories of a couple of his mothers girlfriends, one in particular who treated him like her own son, and who stayed in touch long after the relationship with his mother failed.
He has equally horrific memories of another of his mother's partners who belted him at any opportunity she got and called him an idiot, the same one who (we read in the records) was seen by a priest from the boys' home hitting him in the middle of the street as she thought he'd stolen the Easter egg he'd been given that morning by his dormitory supervisor. When challenged she mouthed off at the priest and claimed her rights to 'discipline' the child which was openly discussed in a meeting of teachers, carers, social workers, etc, at the home.
The records certainly filled in many gaps for us both; there was a lot of mentions of his early diagnosis', how these were explained to his family (but they never accepted them), how his mother believed this small child was refusing to learn just to spite her, how Every.Single bit of advice specialists gave the family was completely ignored, she put him in the boys' home where he was happy then removed him when it began to hurt her hip pocket, his home life got worse until his mother made him a ward of the state because, even after she locked him in his room for a couple of days, he wouldn't wish her girlfriend a happy birthday.
That's the same girlfriend who belted him several times a day.
Then the fact whole family claimed that there was no other family members willing to take him (they forgot to mention his biological grandfather, 3 different aunts and another uncle, the multitudes of great uncles and aunts, the multitudes of cousins who had no idea what was happening and who were horrified to hear of this in recent years) made my skin crawl.
Untangling the lies has been a brain-bending experience and chasing up confirmation on his diagnosis' has been time consuming and costly but it's given him a small sense of peace to know that he wasn't and has never been the one at fault.
Getting the label is just one step; accepting the diagnosis and acting on it is something else again.


Anonymous said... horrific.

LceeL said...

He had it rough, no doubt. At least now he has you.

Amy said...

Whoa. I am kind of lost for words (for me, but it won't stop me. Watch!)
and just want to say how heartbreaking this is to read, this kind of injustice makes me ache with sadness and boil with anger, so I can only imagine how this process has been to live through for your husband and for you. I hope that getting some of the puzzle pieces helps, and that taking all this information in is cathartic. This stuff never leaves, we just find ways to carry it around with us, living the best life we can. There is nothing quite as powerful as learning the truth.
Thinking of you all.

Andrew said...

Disturbing. I am glad is is happier knowing the details.

Anonymous said...

Oh Ro.....You all deal with SO MUCH
you are such a strong family unit and I'm really happy that you all at least have that :).

River said...

Such a sad life story, but how wonderful that he has you.

Mrs. C said...

I'm suprised that you applied to learn this information. As hard as all you are going through is right now, I think you should be very thankful that you have a husband strong enough to do that.

God bless you all... I don't know what else to say. Sometimes there is nothing to say, but that I'm reading and listening and said a prayer for your whole family.

Valerie Foley said...

Oh Ro...

Your husband's story just makes me shiver. I really hope we are all evolving into a more compassionate, understanding, educated society... it's beyond anything that should be considered human what he had to go through.

Thankfully he chose to marry you and have your hedgehogs.

You guys have made a phenomenal family unit.

Debby said...

wow. That's a powerful story. One that I am very glad is done.

Debby said...

Well. That chapter, I mean. Holy cats. Did you ever come back and read a comment and realize that it was wrong. Allllll wrong? I'm glad that chapter is done.

@jencull (jen) said...

It beggars belief that a child could be treated that way, it really does. I hope the information clears up lots of unanswered questions for both your husband and your son. Jen xx

•´.¸¸.•¨¯`♥.Trish.♥´¯¨•.¸¸.´• said...

I second what LceeL said ~He had it rough, no doubt. At least now he has you. !
OMG ...
I didn't know you had this blog !