Anxiety - Teh Shizzle that dictates my sons life

I have a sore back - strained lumbar muscles, aggrevated old injury due to a 'moment' with my beautiful Aspie kidlet.
This is all I'm expanding on except to say I lurve Voltarin and various pain meds, hot water bottles and my darling kidlet who is unable to control some behaviours due to the overwhelming anxiety he deals with every day.

His anxiety is Teh Shizzle - if it was a person it would be The Fonz (from Happy Days) except it'd be the Fonz's evil twin cousin sitting on his shoulder telling him to be the bad arse biker dude, to scare the crapola outa everyone and to bask in the FEAR he inspires in those around him.
BUT.
That is not how my Aspie teen works; he is a kind, gentle soul who goes out of his way to help others,who strives his best to do good and who sobs uncontrollably when he knows he's mucked up and hurt someone.

This isn't a kid growing into being a bad person who'll end up in gaol.
This is a kid growing into being a person trying to negotiate the boundaries anxiety throws up in everyday situations and trying to find his footing in everyday situations you or I would think nothing about...who might end up in gaol through misunderstandings.
My biggest nightmare.

Teh Shizzle is an awe inspiring, fearsome anxiety where he goes into auto-pilot; it's kill or be killed, attack or be hurt, such is his anxiety and paranoia.
(which some twat believes will be helped be sending him back to an overcrowded high school, did I mention this? Oh yes, I did, let's just repeat this 'joke')
You can have a fabulous conversation with him one minute and then suddenly he'll turn into a screaming virago if he misunderstands/misinterprets what your meaning is  - which is common on the Spectrum.
Teh Shizzle is something to behold ; it's an all consuming anxiety that drives superhuman strength, it crosses all boundaries and defies logic/commonsense and makes science into a lie such is his twisting argument.

BUT - it only happens with his father and I - he contains his stress until he is home where he "can let it all hang out", where (typical Aspie) he feels comfy and can regurgitate the anxiety that's been growing inside of him.
He is perfectly well behaved with other people so please do not feel intimidated in not meeting this wonderful personc or others like him.

Personality disorder/ schizo-effective disorder as he was diagnosed back in the day?
Farked if I know.
Autistic-driven anxiety as another specialist would have it?
Farked if I know.
Asperger's anxiety combined with hormones?
Farked if I know.
Tourette's anxiety attack?
See above.
(have you seen a pattern here? I am not an expert on any of Teh Shizzle, I am but a commuter taken along for a ride until Teh Shizzle decides we've reached the end of the penny section and boots me off when the Aspie teen bursts into great floods of tears and I need to cuddle him until he settles again).

Teh Shizzle is more then mere anxiety; anxiety is so underestimated in its powerful hold on people it's swept under the carpet and many don't consider the strength anxiety wields over the sufferer.
Teh Shizzle is HUGE, it is the mammoth wave about to dump you into the beach leaving you breathless, scared and completely out of control.
Teh Shizzle will not take mercy on you; it will not give a fat rat's clacker how scared it makes you, how it screws with your life or twists your thinking.
Teh Shizzle is a bitch.

And it is an insidious parasite that hitches a ride with my Aspie teen, it sucks his happiness away like a blood-starvd leech, it pushes its way into his everyday life and colours his experience to its own bent.
We don't like Teh Shizzle.
If you know someone battling anxiety, please don't dismiss it; it can be a massive hurdle for people to overcome in everyday activities and showing some understanding is a big help.
Thanks for reading  :)

I'd rather he was in the chook house than up the tree

 I'd rather he was in the chook house than up the tree

Yes, I really did utter that statement to Hubby last Saturday.
We looked at each other and snorted  as we realised how bizarre it would sound to most people.
Well, he did the eye rolling/head shaking thing while I snorted enough for both of us.
Cos our son was in the chook house hiding from the police.
Again.
As you do.

The chooks were a tad put out but I'm sure, given time, they would have learnt to share the space.
Perhaps.
That's if the Aspie child hadn't tried to convince them to stand in front of him and hide him...Trinian and Latte apparently didn't get the memo on team playing and supporting the hand that feeds you so they galloped out of there, leaving him under the eyes of two lovely police people.

Then we did the usual merry-go-round dance of going to the children's via ambulance where more wonderful people bent over backwards to help.
Scary thing is we're starting to recognise the doctors and nurses who are starting to recognise us.
Next thing you know we'll be exchanging Chrissy pressies, inviting each other over for BBQs, calling each other BFF and swapping clothes....
No, wait!
Seriously.
I'd marry the gal who shared my shoe size only for the fact I'd never have to tackle the sales assistant for the Very.Last.Ever ladies size in Omgyourfeetarehumongouslady!
But, I digress...

So, after a gazillion appointments this week with a squillion more to come before TGI Friday kicks in, Aspie offspring is on new meds which appear to be helping (and, judging by his improved lap times, are probably a banned sports enhacing substance but, shhhh, we won't mention it to the swim coach).
Had a MILD moment this afternoon where he simply ran outside.
So I left him to it (after ascertaining he wasn't going to do anything silly).
Then we heard noises so we checked.
He was cleaning the spouting on the shed.
He keeps this up I'll hire him out...

Woot, we've almost slayed this beastie, let's line up the new one!

The insane festive season is almost done and dusted.
Give me a Hell Yeah!
And a high five.
And a hammock, foot massage, maybe a neck rub and a tall, tanned piece of eye candy to peel me a grape.
Aspie teen has had a few ups and downs but it is sooooooo much easier staying away from the insanity, not dragging him into the maelstrom, even avoiding big family gatherings.
It's just too cruel to make him deal with large amounts of people en masse then wait for the expectant meltdown afterwards.
Which involves a lot of broken things and pain for the parental units here, not to mention the stress and headaches all round.
And even more knocks to the poor kid's self-esteem which he doesn't need.
He catches up with rellies at quieter times and in smaller groups, leaving everyone with much happier memories and experiences.
We managed to hit Dunolly before Chrissy and saw the fab street decorations with the trees lit up in solar-powered fairy lights, shop windows brightly coloured and private gardens flickering with pretty lights in the pitch dark, which helped calm Aspie teen as he loves his home away from home.
As the Myer windows are unveiled and the Myer street parade takes the masses to the streets - we take to the road and head for the hills....of the Great Divide and beyond!
So, tomorrow night will be another quiet one for us all as we potter about and cheer in 2011 in our own fashion.
And probably explore a shedload of audiobooks from Yarra Plenty Library to celebrate!

Another year down, only 40 bajillion to go

In looking back over 2010 I'm struck by a few things.
That a few in-law rellies, who previously laughed shrugged off Aspie teen's Autism and Aspergers were forced to confront it a little closer to home in their own beloved grandchildren.
But when they shared the diagnosis with me I unintentionally gave them the cold shoulder they'd given me.
Because I was/am exhausted.
I admire those who have been on this journey for years, decades, and still find the energy to help, educate, assist others who are new to this road we all walk.
But as I've been forced to rely on no one else but myself and the Spouse I've had to direct my energy towards my own son and this is where I'm at, tired and unable to summon up much more than sympathetic noises for the rellies.
They probably think I'm a rude cow but, meh, I cannot give them what I do not have.
I bought a monthly magazine which had a tea towel with the classic slogan "Keep calm and carry on".

 

It's pinned up on my kitchen wall as my new motto, a reminder to not get upset, to not react, to stay burbling under the surface and appear heavily sedated serene to all.
Now that we finally have assistance with Aspie teen I'm able to relax a little and not be hypervigilant because, at long last, someone is listening.
It is such a huge weight off my shoulders, I feel I can keep calm and carry on into the New Year!
Although....if I seem too sedated just nudge me with your foot, 'k?

As we launch ourselves towards 2011, I wish each and every one of you lovely people the very best that the future has to offer and as few bumps in the road towards your goals.

xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Hello and thankyou!

Hello my uber-sexy readers!
We are still alive although I have nfi how what with the sheer insanity of Silly Season shopping (I want it! I must Have IT NOW!!! Gimme Gimme Gimme! Getouttamyway!).
Yeah, friggin' insane.
We are getting some suggested strategies on handling Aspie teen with his quirky behaviour.
I say quirky with a slightly hysterical giggle as there's all sorts of things rearing their heads in his behaviour of late - increased Tourette's grunting, humming, lining his toys up again, scratching and cutting himself (hell-lllloooooo) mishearing conversations/hearing auditory comments no one has made (hell-llloooooo, again) being ever so slightly paranoid and thinking we're out to get him (yeah, I can hear what you're thinking from this distance) as well as the usual suspects of needing routine, guidence, yada, yada, yada.
So.
We've been disappearing up the Calder Highway to our favouritest little country town for some mental relief for the geek kid; he can relax, there's no stress, no threat, in fact he walked to the shops TWICE on his own from the caravan park, approx. 1 km round trip.
Yeah, a massive humongous thing cos this 14 year old hasn't got that much courage or road safety to cross the road here in Melbourne (too stressful and ramps up his anxiety) whereas he knows cars stop at the pedestrian crossing and he can see what traffic there is for miles up the road.
He's started a small dig on our land where he's found a shedload of pottery, bricks, mudbricks and a large piece of dressed stone.
He lurves his archaeology.
We inquired at the local historical society but they haven't much in the way of info on our land although they are fabulous and are searching through their records.
We'll be parking ourselves at the dining table for Chrissy Day and probably disappearing up the Calder Highway again in the New Year to get Aspie teen away from the hyped up stress and into his archaeology dig.
Merry Christmas to you all, you wonderfully supportive people xxxxx

We're sort of still here

Baby steps, baby steps.
A few minor, teeny-tiny blow ups quickly soothed and sorted.
Simple com-mun-i-cation.
Talk, talk, talk.
Taking everything back to basics, stripping all routines right back and scrapping daily habits.
In amongst it all cute, fluffy Silkie chickens caught his eye.
Sweet, docile and doting, they have Aspie teen up and out of bed early.
Yes, up and out of bed EARLY.
We've gone, not backwards but sideways, with tasks and goals; we get his brekkie instead of him but he's up and about early.
Now, touch wood, he's up and about between 7-7.30am.
And feeding his 'babies' himself.
And cleaning up after them, sometimes without needing to be told.
Shhh, don't you dare tell him these are 'independent'-type tasks.
Been holding myself together as Dad is still in hospital and failing both physically and mentally every day.
Yes, I get that he's elderly but to suddenly 'hit the wall' like he has while doctors are left scratching their heads looking for explanations is a bit tough.
Holding my shyte together so as Aspie teen doesn't lose his.
Cos he is close to it some days; an hour is all he can cope with watching his beloved Pa staring mindlessly at the TV or simply unable to keep his eyes open long enough to put his cup of sustegan back on the table. Sometimes he forgets he has a mouthful of food/drink and he just forgets to swallow then it seeps out of his mouth or he chokes on it, aspirating some into his lungs and brewing another possible chest infection.
But the speech pathologist says there's nothing wrong with his swallow reflex so...!
Aspie teen has been marvellous, sleeping a lot after visits that are stressful which I think is his downtime way of coping.
His sense of smell went off the scale yesterday; Spring and the doors were open airing the house out but every.little.scent had him screwing his nose up.
The lavender gives him a headache as does the daphne, jasmine and lilac, while he can tolerate the freesias and gardenias in small doses.
Just as well his mother isn't big on cut flowers in the house!

Grumble, grumble

Have been playing the squeaky wheel that gets the oil with my dad's nursing/medical staff.
Yes, I got medieval on some of their asses but, amazingly, someone finally took notice of what I'd been saying.
Finally.
Only since Sunday.
But, hey, they can bury their mistakes.
And when he's out of that place I may post a rip-roaring critique of the pervading craptastic attitude towards basic communication.
Because, apparently, communication in nursing is soooo passe, some clock on to do their very minimum and are coated in teflon to avoid being responsible for anyone who is in their care.
But....enough of that for now.
Let's go play in the sunshine!

Do ya wanna know a secret?

Sorry for the silence but we've been away in Central Victoria and then Aspie teen crashed and burned today.
*sigh*
Yes, we have his schedule up on the fridge, we chant, mantra-like "Breakfast and medicine, breakfast and medicine" for a full 30 mins each morning as we nag the delightful kid to get out of bed.
Oh and by the way, before your own starts this trick... "I'm getting out of bed" isn't strictly the truth as 'getting' is an action word and there sure as heck on a broomstick aint no action from the prone kid under the doona.
So, yeah.
Forgot his meds this morning, despite constant nagging.
Lunchtime hit then everything slid into a heap of crap.
There was screaming, screeching, hitting, kicking, flailing of belts, locking us parents in the backyard, manic grunting and babbling and blah blah blah blah blah.
The usual broken record when he gets wound up with no getting off the merry-go-round until his anger runs out.
Called the police.
Yes, that's right, third time we've had the police out here for his meltdowns, thank flock we got two lovely blokes who asked me how to handle him, who talked him into sitting and talking to them and got him to see that his actions were causing crap.
Everything is back to our version of normal again, it's pissing with rain and all's right with the world.
Now, if you'll excuse me I'll just trot off for a close up with some paracetamol and Deep Heat cream.
Please don't give me sympathy, if you want to leave a comment make me laugh, dammit!

Welcome to Groundhog Day

Another day, another series of (minor)  verbal meltdowns (lasting approx.10 mins) before, during and after brekkie.
Almost every day we have the same result with the same requests, no matter how we ask, structure it, phrase it, whatever.
Aspie teen directed to make his brekkie.
Point to breakfast schedule on fridge.
Meltdown. We will not play at slaves and make it for him. Tsk tsk.
Medications are in the dosette box.
Dosette box gets put in Aspie teen's hand with clear instructions to take his medicine.
He puts it on the table.
We are distracted by trying to get our own brekkie and my Dad sorted.
Dosette box still on table.
Aspie teen reminded to take meds.
Meltdown. We nag too much. Tsk tsk.
Have a shower.
Medicine still in dosette box on table.
Remind Aspie teen again.
Go off to get shoes on.
Medicine has moved to glass of water on windowsill.
Ask Aspie teen to have a shower.
Meltdown. We didn't give him enough warning. Tsk tsk.
Remind him he hasn't showered for about a week.
Firmly inform him, while he's grunting and becoming aggressive that today's outing will be cancelled if he continues to fight about a shower.
Remind him to wash his hair, to use shampoo and soap.
Point to schedule pinned to back of bathroom door.
Medicine still in glass on windowsill.
Almost 15 mins later shower is turned on.
Ask him to hurry up.
Meltdown. We nag too much. Tsk, tsk.
Almost 30 mins later remind him to turn water off and get out.
After he's dressed we remind him to put on deodorant.
Ask if he used shampoo, "No".
Soap? "No, I forgot".
Brushed your teeth? "Not yet!" snappy.
Remind him to have medicine.
"In a minute,"  grunting begins.
Frog march him into kitchen and stand over him while he swallows medicine.
Medicine actually down his gullet.
Send him to bathroom to clean teeth.
Later on train platform, waiting for train, ask him to tuck his shirt in.
"This is a punishment for before, isn't it?" he asks with gritted teeth.
"No, this is about you learning to pay some attention to your appearance."
See braces.
Half a bowl of cornflakes seem to be stuck in them.
"Did you clean your teeth when we asked?"
"No, I forgot."
What was he doing in the bathroom?
"I dunno, leave me alone, I can't remember everything!"
No, of course you can't.
That's what your mother is for, apparently....

Why I saddled up this hobby horse in this horse race

Blogging is not new to me but personal blogging is.
I have a history blog I write under another name, referring in passing to my son's autism (and his giftbag of other labels) but never giving out many details of him.
Until recently.
He finally allowed me to burble about him and the issues he faces, no longer feeling that it was merely more grist for 'them' to tease him with.
And plus I was over-flowing with stuff I couldn't talk about.
Honestly, I was bursting at times, wanting to talk to other mums of Autistic Spectrum Disorder (ASD) kids but unable to openly discuss Aspie teen, even with some friends.
Since I started this blog it's been amazing.
I have found some fabulous parents to get ideas from, borrow strength and to share jokes with.
Sometimes the Autistic Spectrum creates a select niche of people who aren't fully understood by those looking on; we're weird, we talk in a form of short-hand together, we get where each other is coming from, sometimes we've been on the same path together, maybe a little ahead or a little behind the other but the same seemingly roundabout path of therapists, specialists, neurologists, allergists, GPs,speechies, physios, psychologists and psychiatrists.
Then not to forget trawling through the latest medical breakthrough that gets trumpeted from the rooftops by the media and discuss it back and forth, swapping urls, names of recommended specialists, medicines, routines, etc.
We have little time to ourselves, we're forever running about for our kids, mostly we're just.too.tired to deal with other people who (for example) whinge about their child who can't recite their alphabet at age 3 when ours is yet to learn to crawl but can write the entire alphabet at the same age.
Sometimes plodding on the ASD road can be bloody lonely, hard and exhausting yet there's a million other ASD parents out there willing to give you a gentle pat on the back to help you get your second wind and tackle another day.
This personal blogging lark has paid for itself in spades with all the lovely people I've met.
Thanks :)

Stress/no stress

Today rocked.
It truly did.
My Aspie had an appointment with his beloved paediatrician who not only gives him great support and reassurance but today he saw Aspie teen's new anxiety manifestations in constantly clicking his fingers.
I know it's anxiety-driven but I can't figure out if it should be labelled a Tourette's tic or a stim...or even an OCD behaviour as he's sort of able to stop (sometimes) but he's got this overwhelming urge to keep going.
Anyways, the paed saw it and saw that verbal reassurance, coupled with hugs, back rubs and cuddles didn't cut the mustard, either.
It's interesting to note that while Aspie teen denied that he felt any anxiety or worry at the increasing noise of new patients in the waiting room his clicking increased when we walked out there.
I don't know if he's actually able to identify feelings of anxiety or stress as he's lived with them as a constant for so long it's like background noise.
We talked, oh so briefly as he was getting prickly, about stress on the way home and I tried to explain that many people don't realise they're stressed out or anxious until these behaviours appear.
At least I've sown the seed for him to think about and we might be able to discuss it further another day, soon.

Changes = anxiety

We have friends coming to stay, from interstate, so it's a big thing.
Woohoo, very exciting stuffs!
The general cleaning and tidying is getting an extra going over, something which has sparked the anxieties in our son.
Any little change will crank up those anxieties in all people on the Spectrum.

Tics

The Tourette's tics change from week to week; sometimes he might be growling and barking like a small yappy dog  - how often people have heard but not seen him and asked "Who's dog is that?!" - while other times he has to make the same mono-type noise over and over until one of us gently prods him with a verbal cue to put a sock in it.