Monday, January 24, 2011

Kickin' out the bulltish, cos life's too short for someone else's bulltish

It's been 1 week since Aspie teen had his appointment with the neurologist - which means it's been a whole week without a meltdown.
No over-riding anxiety, no panic attacks, no rage attacks, no fretting, no worry.
Nothing except my beautiful Aspie communicating with us.

He had a very minor moment when hubby and I were having a quiet disagreement over something trivial. He spoke to us - not screaming, not yelling, not smashing the house up but SPOKE to us - that
"Parents always have to agree, you're not supposed to have disagreements, all parents get along and don't disagree. People all have to get along, we shouldn't have disagreements cos that is wrong."

Umm.....how about, no?
When hubby and I explained to him that it would be a pretty bloody boring world if everyone was in complete agreement all the time he FINALLY told us the Ed Dept employed worker who was supposed to be teaching him social behaviour in his lunch hour at school was, in fact, indoctrinating him into some fairytale bulltish world, telling him mummies and daddies, and people in general, never, ever, ever disagree.
Which has merely fed his increasing anxiety over the years because once he's told something never, ever,ever happenes, It.Is.Carved.In.Stone.

But when it does happen...as it usually does.....it's off the Richter scale of WRONG for him, triggering anxiety, meltdowns, etc, as it's going against what he believes is right, it's out of his control therefore the fight-flight-or-freeze response kicks in...in his case it's usually the fight response.
Putting the finger on what causes this reaction has been difficult as not even Aspie teen has been able to verbalise or identify - until now - what the trigger is.

But this time....THIS time, we bested that beast and knocked it on the head!
Since then he's come to me and asked about things, checking if his behaviour is correct, if his understanding of particular social situations is on the ball or did he misread it.
In other words, the fight or flight response is (shhhhh, quietly now) perhaps....gone.

8 comments:

suburp said...

i think it's hard for some people in the educational system to see the moment when a child, a little PERSON, needs to understand that there IS grey between black and white. stuff is not ALL wrong and all right, all the time. this must be even harder with a child from the Autism/Aspergers spectrum, you handled it well, AND your boy did.
i hope you are all on the right track (and maybe the teacher/EduDpt worker needs some adjustment?).

Cheryl D. said...

That is absolutely amazing! I hope you uncovered the trigger! It sounds like he had the breakthrough before that though, since he was able to verbalize his issue instead of tantrumming! Congrats! May it continue!

Devi said...

Oh...wow.
That really bites, that he's been going through all of that. It's so hard just to figure out what should be going on and fit in with that, without having someone put ridiculously unrealistic expectations in the mix.
So glad he was able to share the core of his dilemma this time - way to go!

The naming of things does help so much. To lose that nighttime wondering accompanied by the heart palpitations and fear of what... So good. :-)

@jencull (jen) said...

Unreal that someone was feeding him that crap, this is the real world not Teletubbies. Fairytale is right, how was he supposed to cope with disagreements if they aren't supposed to happen....pfffft. Glad you have found this out! Jen

River said...

"mummies and daddies and people in general never ever ever disagree"

How can anybody actually believe that? Let alone try to convince children that this is true?
That teacher needs retraining.
No wonder your boy has been having meltdowns etc.
I'm so glad he's been able to voice his fears now and to tell you what he'd wrongly learned. This is a real breakthrough.

Beet said...

hugs.

Hoping right along with you

Happy Elf Mom said...

Wowww. How do you even fight a lie like that?

Casdok said...

Fingers crossed!