Wednesday, March 30, 2011

Anxiety - Teh Shizzle that dictates my sons life

I have a sore back - strained lumbar muscles, aggrevated old injury due to a 'moment' with my beautiful Aspie kidlet.
This is all I'm expanding on except to say I lurve Voltarin and various pain meds, hot water bottles and my darling kidlet who is unable to control some behaviours due to the overwhelming anxiety he deals with every day.

His anxiety is Teh Shizzle - if it was a person it would be The Fonz (from Happy Days) except it'd be the Fonz's evil twin cousin sitting on his shoulder telling him to be the bad arse biker dude, to scare the crapola outa everyone and to bask in the FEAR he inspires in those around him.
BUT.
That is not how my Aspie teen works; he is a kind, gentle soul who goes out of his way to help others,who strives his best to do good and who sobs uncontrollably when he knows he's mucked up and hurt someone.

This isn't a kid growing into being a bad person who'll end up in gaol.
This is a kid growing into being a person trying to negotiate the boundaries anxiety throws up in everyday situations and trying to find his footing in everyday situations you or I would think nothing about...who might end up in gaol through misunderstandings.
My biggest nightmare.

Teh Shizzle is an awe inspiring, fearsome anxiety where he goes into auto-pilot; it's kill or be killed, attack or be hurt, such is his anxiety and paranoia.
(which some twat believes will be helped be sending him back to an overcrowded high school, did I mention this? Oh yes, I did, let's just repeat this 'joke')
You can have a fabulous conversation with him one minute and then suddenly he'll turn into a screaming virago if he misunderstands/misinterprets what your meaning is  - which is common on the Spectrum.
Teh Shizzle is something to behold ; it's an all consuming anxiety that drives superhuman strength, it crosses all boundaries and defies logic/commonsense and makes science into a lie such is his twisting argument.

BUT - it only happens with his father and I - he contains his stress until he is home where he "can let it all hang out", where (typical Aspie) he feels comfy and can regurgitate the anxiety that's been growing inside of him.
He is perfectly well behaved with other people so please do not feel intimidated in not meeting this wonderful personc or others like him.

Personality disorder/ schizo-effective disorder as he was diagnosed back in the day?
Farked if I know.
Autistic-driven anxiety as another specialist would have it?
Farked if I know.
Asperger's anxiety combined with hormones?
Farked if I know.
Tourette's anxiety attack?
See above.
(have you seen a pattern here? I am not an expert on any of Teh Shizzle, I am but a commuter taken along for a ride until Teh Shizzle decides we've reached the end of the penny section and boots me off when the Aspie teen bursts into great floods of tears and I need to cuddle him until he settles again).

Teh Shizzle is more then mere anxiety; anxiety is so underestimated in its powerful hold on people it's swept under the carpet and many don't consider the strength anxiety wields over the sufferer.
Teh Shizzle is HUGE, it is the mammoth wave about to dump you into the beach leaving you breathless, scared and completely out of control.
Teh Shizzle will not take mercy on you; it will not give a fat rat's clacker how scared it makes you, how it screws with your life or twists your thinking.
Teh Shizzle is a bitch.

And it is an insidious parasite that hitches a ride with my Aspie teen, it sucks his happiness away like a blood-starvd leech, it pushes its way into his everyday life and colours his experience to its own bent.
We don't like Teh Shizzle.
If you know someone battling anxiety, please don't dismiss it; it can be a massive hurdle for people to overcome in everyday activities and showing some understanding is a big help.
Thanks for reading  :)

8 comments:

peskypixies said...

Teh Shizzle also lives here.
it sucks.plain and simple..........
it reared its ugly head today which led to many tears,freaking out and ranting and pacing.

Not pretty.
you have my deepest empathy.

massive hugs

carriemumof2withasd said...

Oh Ro, I have no words just tears, love and hugs for you all. You are such an amazing woman :) xx

River said...

A lesser version of Teh Shizzle lives within my L. (His greater shizzle is paranoia)

virtual hugs are all I can offer here.

Cheryl D. said...

I'm so sorry you have to live with Teh Shizzle and that your son has to deal with him too. I hope he finds something that can help him conquer Teh Shizzle. Hugs.

Ðéví said...

*hugs* Cos I don't know what else to say.

Except that I can back up that your boy is lovely to visit with and Bugalicious always enjoys her time visiting as well.
Xxx

JahTeh said...

I'm considered normal but anxiety has had me cowering in a corner at times so I can imagine what's it's like for the Feral Beast.

Fen said...

Anxiety has ruled my life for years now, it's really irritating. So big hugs, I can relate xo

Nikki aka Widdle Shamrock said...

Huge hugs.

I have suffered anxiety without all the other Teh Shizzle, so can not imagine for one moment what is happening in the lovely wee mind of Aspie Teen when Teh Shizzle strikes.

He is a wonderful young man and I hope in time Teh Shizzle gets the feck off his back.